The Cockmonkey Breeders Association of America Presents:

All About Your New Cockmonkey

So, you've got yourself a Cockmonkey - now what?

Congratulations! You've chosen a pet that will give you years of fun and pleasure if properly cared for and maintained. Good for you!

Read the following information carefully, because it will help you achieve maximum enjoyment of your new pet. If this is your first Cockmonkey, you may wish to purchase Cockmonkeys And You from the Cockmonkey Breeders Association of America. Consult your local library for other reference material.

Care and feeding of your Cockmonkey

Many people are concerned that Cockmonkeys, because they are so small, are delicate or easily injured. While this is true, the low replacement cost of Cockmonkeys makes them the ideal pet for families with children or abusive shut-ins.

What should I feed my Cockmonkey?

Cockmonkeys are scavengers and carrion eaters. They will eat just about anything that is not alive. Cockmonkeys love vegetables. Do not give vegetables to your Cockmonkey, however, because their bodies are unable to digest them. Cockmonkeys love consumme and other clear broths. These foods are ideal for Cockmonkeys, because Cockmonkeys are lazy by nature and do not like to chew.

How often should I bathe my Cockmonkey?

Like most monkeys, wild Cockmonkeys will groom each other. If you have a pair of Cockmonkeys, they will engage in this grooming behaviour. If you have only a single Cockmonkey, you will have to act as the grooming partner. Check your Cockmonkey's fur for insects and debris, eating anything that you find.

If you prefer, you may take your Cockmonkey into the shower with you. Do not use detergents or harsh cleansers on your Cockmonkey. If you find that your Cockmonkey begins to smell unpleasant, you may wish to soak him or her in a solution of 10 parts water to 1 part bleach for about an hour. If the smell persists, return your Cockmonkey to the store where you purchased it.

Is there anything my Cockmonkey should avoid?

Cockmonkeys are intelligent animals and will run away from anything that they perceive as a threat. There is one very important exception to this, though. Cockmonkeys love cats even though they are highly allergic to them. If your Cockmonkey comes in contact with a cat, it will probably die, so it is very important that you keep your Cockmonkey away from cats, anywhere that cats may have been, or anyone who may have been in contact with cats. Since kittens have not yet developed the "dander" that Cockmonkeys are allergic to, you can safely allow your Cockmonkey to play with kittens which have not been in contact with any adult cats.

Your Cockmonkey and other pets

Cockmonkeys are very sociable animals and generally get along quite well with most domestic pets. Cockmonkeys are not territorial and will run away when faced with a predator or threat.

Animals which prey on Cockmonkeys in the wild should be avoided, however. These include: dogs, hamsters, gerbils, snakes, weevils, ferrets, chickens, some spiders, mice, rats, and all varieties of birds, ruminant, and ungulate animals. As mentioned earlier, Cockmonkeys are allergic to cats and should be kept away from them at all times.

Tricks you can do with your new Cockmonkey

Cockmonkeys are fond of hiding and will do so without any training. Cockmonkeys are not very strong, so they aren't well suited to doing the tricks that larger monkeys can do. However, they are fairly smart, considering that they have teeny tiny little brains, so they easily do most white-collar office work. Cockmonkeys are ideal for middle management positions, since they have very short attention spans and will not read anything given to them.

Like all monkeys, Cockmonkeys are fond of masturbating. If this is your idea of a good trick, you're in luck. If not, you may wish to discourage your Cockmonkey from this activity by saying "no, bad Cockmonkey" in a loud and firm voice. Repeat as necessary.

Frequently asked questions about Cockmonkeys

Q: Where does the name Cockmonkey originate?

Cockmonkey actually comes from the Spanish coche monkey, meaning coach monkey. The Spaniards exploring South America believed that the little Cockmonkeys looked like cocheros or coachmen. The origin of the phrase "you evil little ass-biting Cockmonkey" is unknown.

Q: If I shaved all the hair off my Cockmonkey and trained him or her to speak, would I be allowed to marry him or her?

Sadly, human/Cockmonkey marriages are not recognized as legal unions in most jurisdictions. We, the Cockmonkey Breeders Association of America, are working to change this out-dated view and lobby local governments to accept human/Cockmonkey marriages as the supreme expression of love between a pet and his or her owner.

Q: Can Cockmonkeys breathe underwater?

It is generally believed that they cannot, but since this question comes up so frequently, we can only say that further research needs to be done on this particular subject.

Q: If Cockmonkeys were a tree, what tree would they be?

Ohhh, that's a good question, isn't it? After much consideration, we have concluded that Cockmonkeys would not be a tree, even if they could.

Q: But if a Cockmonkey had to be a tree, what tree would they be?

If Cockmonkeys had to be a tree - really really had to - they would be a Chestnut tree.

Q: I bought my Cockmonkey from a breeder who wasn't part of the Cockmonkey Breeders Association of America, and now my Cockmonkey has festering sores and large discoloured tumours. What can I do?

Your Cockmonkey will probably die a horrible, painful, and lingering death. You and your family may now have contracted a terrible disease which could be spread to your friends and co-workers, as well as any future offspring. This is why you should only purchase Cockmonkeys from a breeder who is a member of the Cockmonkey Breeders Association of America. You may contact us at breeders@cockmonkey.tk.